Current Events Watch

Viva Viagra! That little blue magical pill. It’s been around for quite some time now, nearly ten years, making the males of our species once again the manly, virile love-making machines that is their destiny. Viagra to the rescue. Dissing the “Dys” in “Erectile Dysfunction”, with the rigid support of vascularly-challenged men everywhere. Transforming men from pony to stallion in as little as fourteen minutes, simply by popping a pill! No need to worry any longer about your ED, Mister. And with your new-found studly stallion status, you could no doubt give Mister ED some stiff competition!

So for the last decade or so, with the pill-popping ability to get it up and get it on, men and their respective partners have been happier campers. (Maybe that’s a strong assumption, there may well be some wives and significant others out there cursing Pfizer’s name.) Still, even with the known risks and side effects, guys have been more than happy to cross their fingers (depending on the activity at hand, of course) and take their chances.

Headaches really aren’t so worrisome. Guys never use that as an excuse anyway. And seeing the world with a “bluish tinge” for a few hours wouldn’t be so bad. Looking at the world with a different perspective isn’t such a bad thing. I guess finger-crossing worthiness would come into play for those taking nitroglycerine for angina, although I thought that was what they were hoping to get some of with the Viagra. But I’m no doctor and I failed Biology, so what do I know. Heart attacks? Well, at least they would die with a smile on the face. Of course, one would probably die with a similar smile if the ol’ pumper pumped its last pump after a helping of chicken fried bacon. (Chicken fried bacon? Come on, WTF?) Sometimes short-lived pleasure is worth the risk, I guess.

Then there are those pesky four-hour bouts of tumescence, and the blindness. I don’t know what to say about the four-hour thing. I think I’d personally be proud to have such stamina. My finger-crossing here would most likely represent a vote “for” rather than “against” that known side effect. Blindness would suck, though. That one might make me think twice, crossed fingers or no. I don’t really want to be relegated to carrying a walking stick for anything other than a fashion accessory. I’m sure I’d be very inefficient in using a stick to maneuver about. I’d probably leave a trail of bruised shins and thighs in public places. Might even put somebody’s eye out with my blind stick. Wouldn’t that be ironic?

One new bit of information released by the FDA just today, according to the Associated Press, that also might make me think twice about whether or not it’s worth popping a little blue pill for a red hot horizontal mambo moment:

“Viagra and other impotence drugs are about to bear new warnings that users may experience sudden hearing loss.”

Eh? What’s that they said? Sudden hearing loss? That might be a mood killer. Between the blindness and the deafness, I think being up for the occasion might be out of the question. Literally. Unless, of course, I also was inflicted (blessed?) with that four-hour dilemma. Then I might consider it, although that would be a hard decision.

I’d probably still pass, though, crying my blind eyes out about those 240 minutes of wasted opportunity. But honestly, I couldn’t see where I’m putting that thing anyway, and if I got off-track somewhere in the process, wouldn’t even be able to hear the necessary corrective instructions. Hardly worth it. So I’d just sit there and weep, the sympathetic and consoling words of my neglected partner falling on truly deaf ears, and prepare myself for a major onset of blue balls, lasting for up to four hours. (Gotcha with that last link! Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s getting in my way. Fun to watch, though, huh?)

Are we such horndogs that we’re willing to take such chances? I know all medications, prescription or not, have potential reactions and side effects, most of which are of no threat to the general public. Even foods, of course, can have severe and even deadly side effects in certain people, and I understand the need for warnings. Everyone has to eat, and many medications are necessary for well-being, but for sex? It just seems weird to me, but maybe I’m just not one of those guys who thinks with his head. Instead, I think with my head. I’ll take prescription medicine if necessary for whatever various ailments might come along, but even then I don’t like to do so. At risk of becoming a modern day Helen Keller, though, just for a roll in the hay, well, it hardly seems worth it to me.

I tried the little blue wonder once. I didn’t know about the blindness or, of course, the newly discovered sudden hearing loss at the time. I’m sure I’d be fine if I wanted to try it again. My world didn’t turn blue, my head didn’t throb (well, that’s certainly a half-truth), and alas, much to my dismay, I didn’t maintain for four-plus hours. I don’t think I’d take it again, though. In my older, impotent years, my thinking has changed and I believe that we’re all overly-medicated … for everything.

If I can’t get it revved up without putting money into Pfizer’s coffers, I’d rather just get comfy on the couch, switch on the TV, and enjoy an old classic ’60s episode of Mister ED, for example. Unfortunate name, that, given the stallion that he was. But at least by accepting my own ED without resorting to potentially blinding and deafening enhancements, even if unable to participate in a raunchy, randy diversion, I’m assured of still being able to turn on the tube and watching Wilbur and Mister ED in action. The pointy blind stick wouldn’t be much help when it comes to watching TV, really. I’m also assured of being able to hear whatever words of wisdom Mister ED might have imparted from back in the day. He was a talking horse, after all. I’m sure he had something to say that I wouldn’t want to miss. So for now, I’ll choose to pass on the magical V and just hang. It’s really not such a hard decision.

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