May And Flower, Plumped And Pardoned
It’s a tradition. Every year the leader of this great nation (our homeland, one might even say), with great pomp, grants one lucky turkey a presidential pardon. It’s “turkey squared” now, though, our grace having been extended to favor two, count ‘em, two fortunate fowl, a winner and a runner-up. Just in case, I suppose.
Anyway, this year the 2007 official Thanksgiving turkey and second-place alternate, christened May and Flower respectively, were the two lucky ducks. Names determined by 29,000 online voters. Democracy in action.
Now neither need be concerned about a stranger shoving a fistful of cornbread up their ass this Thursday, and both can rest assured that their giblets will remain intact. Apologies to others of the familial flock for whom things may not bode so well. Mama hen does have some nice breasts, after all.
As George W. Bush said Monday during this most fabulous of White House customs, “May they live the rest of their lives in blissful gobbling. And may all Americans enjoy a holiday full of love and peace. God bless you all.” Yeah, George, and peace to you, too. Get a dictionary. You apparently don’t know the meaning of the word. But I digress …
Anyway, two things that I find perplexing. First and foremost being that in order to be granted pardon, one must have committed some sort of offense. What did these particular turkeys do to run afowl of the law? By either definition, noun or transitive verb, the word “pardon” means forgiveness of wrongdoing. Just exactly how nefarious are May and Flower, I wonder, and were they truly pardon-worthy?
Secondly, why bother with such ceremony? It’s really a waste of time. Sure, the reprieved will get to live the rest of their lives freely gobbling on a farm or in a petting zoo somewhere, but honestly, they’ll most likely be dead before Christmas anyway. The chosen finalists are, after all, selected by the National Turkey Federation, nothing more than a promoter and advocate for the turkey factory farms of America, keeping us all wellfed for the holidays! Those juicy Butterballs and Honeysuckles in your grocer’s freezer have to come from somewhere, and most likely were not snatched running free on the range. In all probability, they’ve been caged, drugged, forcefed, maimed and mutilated before making it to market. Properly plumped for profit, of course.
So, in fact, most of the presidentially-pardoned fail to live long. A year at best. Fast-growing, commercially raised turkeys simply grow too big for their bodies’ structures and are too susceptible to disease. They’re pretty much goners anyway. Hey, at least they can be grateful that they were amongst the luckier of their fellow cellmates, all things considered. They haven’t had their beaks, wings or feet whacked off, and of course never fell victim to the blunt end of the killing stick, all typical treatment in the bird-raising biz! If you really want to know what it takes to make your Norman Rockwell-esque Thanksgiving feast succulently perfect, watch these videos here and here. Yikes.
Tofurky anyone? Yes, please.
Regardless of how you choose to celebrate, I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. I personally think I’ll pass on the bird this year. There are cruelty-free alternatives available, after all. Although I will miss those leftover turkey sandwiches … Finally, of course, congrats to May and Flower. To concur with Dubya, I hope that they may live the rest of their pardoned, abbreviated lives in blissful gobbling, too.
factory farms, turkey farms, thanksgiving, peta, turkey pardon, turkeys, animal rights, george bush pardon
November 22nd, 2007 at 7:11 am
Obviously eating meat is a habit we have acquired. Ponder the economical aspect of meat consumption, the unethical treatment of animals used for this purpose, the concerns about contaminated meat or health risks of improperly cooked or stored meat, not to mention the overall health risks of a diet heavy on meat consumption, and I believe this whole issues takes on somewhat of a spiritual relevance. Now I know meat-eating is almost a religion to some folks; but if the issue is studied in-depth, with an open mind, the case for vegetarianism seems quite compelling.
Having said that, and being a former vegetarian and a semi-vegetarian now, I have this complaint. Ever noticed how expensive meat analogs and health food in general are? What’s up with that? Are we to believe that vegetable and grain based meat substitutes are actually that much more expensive to produce than meat … or are we, as I suspect, looking at yet another example of the greed of opportunism?
Truly old habits die hard. Perhaps the biggest reason I’m not an out-and-out vegetarian is because of convenience. To do this thing right requires more frequent trips to the market for fresh produce (although frozen fruits and veggies can do a lot), and more time in the kitchen preparing meals. This is hard to fit into my busy “cook-it-in-the-microwave” lifestyle. Perhaps I’m just making excuses, still I feel the health-food industry hasn’t made economical convenience food a priority.
November 22nd, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Ain’t it the truth? It is pretty atrocious. I, too, try to maintain a semi-veg lifestyle, but it’s just too convenient from time to time to drive thru for a $1 Whopper Jr at the Burger King, or a $1 Double Cheeseburger at Mickey-D’s. Bun and condiments included! I’d certainly be hard-pressed to find a competitively priced veggie burger anywhere.
Sometimes you can’t win anyway, even if you try. The other day I found a frozen boxed meal of stir-fried vegetables … for 99 cents! Score, and meat-free to boot! Of course, it was mostly rice, with a snow pea and a carrot tossed in for a splash of color. Still, I was pleased. Until I read the ingredient list, which rice and vegetables aside, included beef fat. Oh well.
November 23rd, 2007 at 2:30 pm
My husband and children are vegetarians. I however, do enjoy a turkey burger once in a while. I have given up the hard stuff a long time ago, like pork and beef.