Current Events Watch

I’m surprised that Team Bush didn’t think of this one sooner. Or maybe they did, and simply decided that it would be best to allow adequate passage of time following the big nine-eleven-aught-one calamity for a bit of that national firefighters-as-gods fervor to fade before redrafting their job descriptions, so as not to besmirch their iconic status.

Apparently enough time has now lapsed, the rewrite is complete, and new duties have been assigned. And not everyone is happy about that.

Firefighters, unlike the police, do not need those pesky warrants to enter thousands of homes each year, making them ideal candidates for nipping terrorism in the bud! Although there have been concerns raised of how this might tarnish their image with the public at large, and may, just perhaps, infringe on people’s privacy, firefighters in major cities around the country are being trained to don their terrorist-spotting helmets for the sake of homeland security. Hey, since they are already there, why not have a look around the place?

As part of the program, which started last December, Homeland Security gave secret clearances (surprise!) to nine New York fire chiefs, according to The Associated Press, to be on the lookout for and report anything even hinting at terrorism to the appropriate authorities.

“They’re really doing technical inspections, and if perchance they find something like, you know, a bunch of RPG (rocket-propelled grenade) rounds in somebody’s basement, I think it’s a no-brainer,” said Jack Tomarchio, a senior official in Homeland Security’s intelligence division.

Come to find out, the How To Spot A Terrorist training classes have already been on the agenda for ladder and engine companies at firehouses across the country for the last few years. I guess now it’s just officially sanctioned and governmentally promoted.

Mike German, national security policy counsel to the ACLU and former FBI agent, said the concept is dangerously similar to the Bush administration’s proposal in 2002 to have the mailman, cable guy, TV repairman, or anyone with access to private homes, report suspicious behavior to the FBI. “Americans universally abhorred that idea,” German said.

The ACLU is taking the position that using firefighters as intelligence agents is just another step in the same direction that has been taken since Sept. 11, 2001, in which our privacy rights have been violated and taken away. I tend to agree.

Firstly, I would like to think that any firefighter worth his weight in water, whether or not officially trained in terrorist detection, should probably have the common sense to consider reporting, post haste, any happened-upon stockpile of grenades.

Secondly, if The Anarchist Cookbook is the coffee-table book of choice, particularly if excessively bookmarked and dog-eared, I’d hope that there might be an urgent FYI call patched through to someone who might need to be aware of such things. Sometimes you don’t need no schoolin’ to know when things just ain’t quite right.

Of course, the classes do educate about other, less-obvious things that should be considered suspect as well. Things to look for that, without appropriate training, would probably go unnoticed.

Things that we all might also want to keep in mind before dialing 911 in case a future kitchen mishap results in an out-of-control grease fire.

Even if rocket-propelled grenades have been well-hidden, and inappropriate reading material has been stashed, keep in mind that your hose-wielding savior may well be looking for other, subtle indications of terroristic propensity. Behaviors, for example, that the government would classify as “signs of planning and support for terrorism.”

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER:

- Be nice. Welcome them warmly into your burning home. If they ask you to unkink the hose, do so. Perhaps follow up by offering them a beverage after the conflagration has been extinguished. They are taught to be alert for a person who is “hostile or uncooperative”.

- Be patriotic. Wave an American flag if one is handy, being careful not to fan the flames, of course. If that’s not an option, burst into song, any patriotic anthem will do. They’ve also learned to pick up on anyone “expressing hate or discontent with the United States.”

- No picture-taking. Resist the urge to take snapshots or video to later upload to your MySpace page. “Still and video cameras” are definitely considered highly suspect. Best to probably squirrel away the cams with the grenade stash ahead of time.

- Be sure your home is well-furnished. If it’s not, you’ll probably be better off to just let the place succumb to the flames. If the fire guys show up and find you have “little or no furniture other than a bed or a mattress”, you’ll no doubt be deemed a potential national threat.

Just some pointers. Better safe than sorry.

homeland security, bush administration, firefighters, terrorism, terrorists, national security, aclu, mike german, jack tomarchio