Current Events Watch

I enjoy this picture very much. If only it was not just flight of fancy, so to speak. Karma finally catching up with Cupid. And what better fitting and ironic the manner of his demise, given his centuries-old fixation with chucking quiversful of arrows into the most schmaltzy of hearts? Channeling Susan Powter, I’d say it’s about time to stop the insanity!

I tend to agree with Adri on this one: Valentine’s Day is indeed one “shitty excuse for a holiday.”

Those of us who routinely go about our merry ways savoring our citizenship in Singledom are once every 365 caught off-guard by this annual phenomenon of a 24-hour romance and lovemaking interlude amongst the coupled.

Single and all alone, we inevitably have that moment of cognitive dissonance speculating that if perhaps had we not so readily dismissed out of hand that cute guy who just possibly could have been more than merely a one-night stand, we too might appreciate the magnificence of the day.

We do tend to readily ditch such claptrap mentality, mind you, come the 15th. And I would venture to guess that despite the one single day of the year on which we solitary souls perchance feel (dare I say) just a smidge envious, there are no doubt many of the committed who would probably willingly sacrifice that annual heart-shaped box of mystery chocolates and streetcorner-vended roses for the sheer joy of having the whole bed to themselves the other 364 days of the year.

So I’m off to bed now, certain without a doubt that it will indeed be good for me, and that I will still respect myself in the morning. Who could ask for anything more? Happy Cupid-free Valentine’s Day to me!

valentine’s day, cupid, valentine

A few years ago, political scientist Laurence Britt dissected the regimes of the most infamous of all fascists: Hitler, Mussolini, Franco and Suharto.

You have no doubt read or seen this before, but brushing up on history never hurt anyone. There are lessons to be learned from mistakes of the past.

However, considering that for the last eight years Führer Bush has been given nigh on carte blanche to establish the supreme global American Reich, methinks that perhaps some boning up on history might be in order lest we repeat similar electoral faux pas in the future.

I would also wager that it would be safe to anticipate a soon forthcoming revised and newly-updated report from Dr. Larry B. in which he most likely will expand upon his previous list of textbook-case fascists.

Per Britt, the following are the fourteen commonalities shared amongst all foresaid faces of fascism. Let’s review, shall we?

_________________________________________________

Powerful and Continuing Nationalism - Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottos, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights - Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in fascist regimes are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of “need.” The people tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause - The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.

Supremacy of the Military - Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.

Rampant Sexism - The governments of fascist nations tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Divorce, abortion and homosexuality are suppressed and the state is represented as the ultimate guardian of the family institution.

Controlled Mass Media - Sometimes to media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, is very common.

Obsession with National Security - Fear is used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.

Religion and Government are Intertwined - Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology is common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government’s policies or actions.

Corporate Power is Protected - The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

Labor Power is Suppressed - Because the organizing power of labor is the only real threat to a fascist government, labor unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.

Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts - Fascist nations tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts and letters is openly attacked.

Obsession with Crime and Punishment - Under fascist regimes, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people are often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There is often a national police force with virtually unlimited power in fascist nations.

Rampant Cronyism and Corruption - Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in fascist regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by government leaders.

Fraudulent Elections - Sometimes elections in fascist nations are a complete sham. Other times elections are manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. Fascist nations also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

_________________________________________________

Well, we’ve pretty much been able to successfully tick every one of those in defining the reigns of each of the aforementioned. Including, of course, our own dear Mister President.

So study up, people, and let us learn from our and other’s historical mistakes. As a certain wise man once said, “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” Let’s hope not.

fascism, george bush, fascist regime, patriotism, politics, government

Super Bowl XLII did not quite end as I had hoped or expected. Still it was exciting, particularly the Giant’s final offensive play with a mere 35 seconds left on the clock, taking the lead and effectively quashing the Patriots’ hopes for an undefeated season. Who doesn’t love football?

I took a bit of a power nap at half-time, though. I mean really, Tom Petty was the best they could do? Are you kidding me? Not being a fan of nasal caterwauling myself, I opted to grab a few z’s instead. I did, before nodding off, however, catch the half-time show’s sponsorship announcement — “Bridgestone, the official tire of the NFL.”

So the NFL has an official tire. Spare me (pun intended.) That makes about as much sense as Wilson coughing up a few mil for the privilege of being deemed the official football of NASCAR. Maybe they already have. Wouldn’t surprise me.

But I digress. Why I found the Bridgestone announcement noteworthy is that pre-game yesterday I read this article on The Nation’s website, which says that Bridgestone Firestone North American Tire spent more than $10 million dollars for the honor! Money well-spent? I guess that’s debatable. Remember, Tom Petty was the headline act.

Of course, saving face isn’t cheap, so when it becomes necessary to invest in attempting to polish a tarnished reputation, what better platform than the most-watched sporting event of the year? And with a class-action lawsuit for human rights violations hanging over corporate heads, it was probably money well-spent after all. Good PR is priceless.

According to The Nation, Bridgestone Firestone is being sued by the International Labor Rights Forum and several plaintiffs, accusing the company of committing human rights abuses in Liberia, one of the largest rubber-producing countries in the world. Not to mention one of the poorest.

A gold mine for Bridgestone Firestone, of course. Here’s this country practically oozing latex, with an economy ravaged by decades of war, and an 85% unemployment rate to boot! The perks just keep on coming.

HELP WANTED: Multi-billion dollar corporation seeking desperate desperately seeking tree-tappers. 15 cents an hour. Wage restrictions may apply.

For the bargain basement price of only $3.19 in daily wages, Bridgestone Firestone expects a typical Liberian worker to tap 650 trees a day, by company president Daniel Adomitis’s own admission on CNN. He also said that tapping a tree only took a couple of minutes. No big whoop.

Okay. So CNN took those 650 trees at two minutes per tap, and still calculated that one worker would have to spend 21 hours a day working to fill this quota. Not factoring in travel time, of course, carrying 70-lb buckets of freshly-milked latex for miles to the waiting storage tanks, prepped and ready for shipment to America, where the rubber meets the road.

And if the worker does not meet said quota? The paycheck is halved. Ouch. That’ll take a bite out of the family budget. So what’s a Liberian to do?

Make every day “Bring Your Wife And Kids To Work Day”, of course! Unless you want the family to starve. Gruel ain’t cheap. This calls for some quality family tree-tapping time.

This is the choice Bridgestone Firestone has forced their more than 4,000 Liberian employees to make. The 650-tree daily quota policy has led many of the workers to join up their own kids and wives to ensure that they meet their target goal. Or else.

But these extra helping hands get paid nothing. And the children whose families depend on their labor for survival? Forget about schooling and receiving an education. There’s work to be done.

A 2006 report by the United Nations Mission in Liberia found that during Liberia’s civil war, Firestone’s Duside Hospital, didn’t even bother with issuing birth certificates. Yet the company-touted free education (who has the time?) and healthcare for workers’ children depends on having one.

Of course, Liberia’s Ministry of Health will be more than happy to provide one. For a paltry $25, or nearly half of an employee’s monthly salary. What a bargain, that.

Click here to learn more about the company’s exploitation and abuses.

It’s quite sad, really. Nearly as sad as last night’s Patriots’ defeat.

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To postulate that we all trust in God is perhaps just a tad bit presumptuous, don’t you think? I mean, many don’t even believe in, or are at best iffy about, the existence of a supreme entity in the first place, so I’m fairly certain that those folks would probably take issue. “We trust whom? Really?”

But, of course, being the godly nation that we are (I’m sure the Almighty is so very proud), it’s only fitting that mandatory emblazonment of In God We Trust be conferred upon all currency minted and printed in these United States of America. Infidels need to just suck it up.

And it must be most prominently displayed, of course, lest the religious right-wing looney tunes get their panties in a bunch! Apparently they are avid readers of coinage, and wish to not be required to squint when reading their daily affirmation.

So now they’ve gone ballistic about the unsatisfactory design of the latest U.S. Mint’s gold-colored dollar coins, in tribute to our dead presidents. Four coins are released per year. The first four, honoring George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, were issued last year.

More to come, stay tuned. Oh, the anticipation!

Anyway, under Congressional edict, the Mint was required to place the national mottos In God We Trust and E Pluribus Unum along the edge of the coins. The idea was to allow for more dramatic portraits and fancy artwork on the heads and tails.

Well, that was apparently most unacceptable! The Moral Majority of coin-reading Christians complained that the words were hard to read, and that they might wear off over time.

So Congress buckled, of course, recognizing the error of their ways. Live and learn. Now, they’ve tweaked the rules to better please the Lord and the lunatics, so that the phrase In God We Trust has greater prominence on the new presidential dollar coins.

They’ve passed legislation that the phrase be moved from the edge (where one might presumably rub God the wrong way) to the back or front of the coin.

God bless America.

President George W. Bush signed the measure into law last month after the Religious Right conservatives complained about the new coins, insisting that by relegating the phrase to the edge of the coin was some kind of malevolent plot to ditch the phrase altogether.

I really doubt that the good Lord would mind so much if we did just that.

presidential coins, u.s. mint, in god we trust, gold dollar coins, religious right, george bush

John Edwards … over and out. I really thought he would stick with it through Super Tuesday but, in reality, I suppose the timing makes sense.

If you’ve been barely passing all semester, chances are you’re not going to be able to pull an A+ out of your ass come next week’s big exam. So dropping out now was probably a wise decision on his part.

I have been supporting Obama for some time, but have often said that I would probably have taken the Edwards route if I thought he stood a reasonable chance of making it to the general election. I figured this day would come, though. I just didn’t know when.

After all, his campaign coverage has been practically nil in comparison with Obama’s and Clinton’s. It was particularly noticeable throughout the debates, and mainstream media attention is, of course, crucial for any candidate’s success.

Is he not black enough? Not buxom enough? Nah, that’s probably not it. After all, they give plenty of coverage to the typical run-of-the-mill white boys of contrary political orientation.

So why is he clearly lowest man on the MSM totem pole? His message has consistently been as good, if not better in some instances, than his fellow Democratic opposition.

I’m glad he managed to hang in there for as long as he did, though, if for no other reason than to force the still-in-the-running dynamic duo to step it up a notch or two.

As his senior campaign adviser Joe Trippi said, “Look, the guy led on every single issue out there, whether it was poverty, the economy, global warming, or universal health care.

“He moved the progressive agenda much further than any other candidate - so much so that both Clinton and Obama adopted a lot of his language and agenda. Which is a great thing to have done.”

His populist viewpoint put pressure on his opponents to vie for union endorsements, and he was the first out of the gate with comprehensive plans for universal healthcare and education, forcing the others in the field to play catch-up.

Edwards was also the only one who consistently hammered corporate America for hurting middle and lower-income Americans, by sacrificing their health care and pension benefits in lieu of higher profits and salaries for the shareholders and CEOs respectively.

“The corporate greed that is destroying the middle class in this country is stealing your children’s future. It is stealing the future of Democrats’ children, Independents’ children, Republicans’ children.”, Edwards said.

Well, there you have it.

That, my friend, was the real deathblow to this campaign. Good night, John-Boy.

Considering that all major media outlets are owned by just a handful of massive corporations, it’s no wonder that they had little interest in touting his agenda.

With most news outlets having fallen into the hands of large conglomerates, conflicts of interest predictably interfere. They are in it for the money, after all, and are obligated by law to put profit ahead of all other considerations. Responsible journalism? Who needs it.

So Edwards has thrown in the towel. He may be gone, but I hope not forgotten, and that he has influenced both the Clinton and Obama camps in positive and permanent ways.

I wouldn’t hold my breath expecting either of them to jump on the corporate greed bandwagon, though, lest they, too, be shunned and suffer similar fates.

john edwards, edwards presidential campaign, presidential campaign, 2008 election, presidential campaign, presidential race, corporate media, mainstream media

I still have my Kerry-Edwards yard signs, pins, bumper stickers, magnets and sundry loser paraphernalia from 2004. Don’t really know why. I hoard. (Thank goodness this isn’t a podcast lest my reputation be tarnished! For the record, I’m not even nappy-headed.)

Waste of money, that was. Not to mention a waste of time. It took me forever to get the bumper sticker aligned just-so. And those wire pokey stick-it-in-the-ground yard signs? They have a mind of their own. They tend to seriously flail. I risked putting an eye out just getting it to stay put, but finally had it under control after about half an hour.

All for naught. We still lost.

Great googly moogly. Who’d have thunk it? The king of all village idiots was re-coronated. Lots of folks apparently queued up for the short bus that day.

So his days are now numbered. Bush begone, and good riddance. I’m afraid, though, that unless we step up to the plate, we may very well end up with more of the same ol’ same ol’, albeit bearing a different “Hi, My Name Is … ” lapel sticker.

As Lewis Black said in reference to the 2004 election:

“The fact of the matter is the Democrats not being able to find somebody to defeat George Bush is beyond belief. It’s stunning.

“It would be like finding a normal person who would lose in the Special Olympics.”

We’ll hopefully do better this time around. Obama, Clinton, Edwards … any one will do. Take your pick, get your yard signage now, and don’t forget the safety glasses. Trust me on that one. Oh yeah, and voting might not be such a bad idea, either.

republican debate, hillary clinton, barack obama, john edwards, 2008 election, presidential election, george bush, politics

Keep those young Kentucky fingers crossed, boys and girls! The freaks, geeks and fuglies may wish to cross their toes as well, for good measure.

If the House Education Committee has its way, the days of being picked on, pushed around, beaten up and beaten down will soon come to an end.

The HEC unanimously approved an anti-bullying bill last week that, if given thumbs up by the Kentucky Legislature in the House and Senate, would curb the harassment, intimidation and plain old-fashioned schoolyard bullying.

It’s a fine plan, I read it. They’re calling it The Golden Rule Act.

Very straightforward, it is. It establishes a code of acceptable behavior, provides for training of teachers on how to deal, includes procedures empowering victims to report without fear of retaliation, and defines the proper comeuppance for offenders. All in all, I’d give it an A+.

There could be a bit of a bump in the road, however. A big bump, actually. A ginormous speedbump called the Republican-controlled Senate.

Similar previous versions of the bill have also been passed by the Democratically-controlled House, only to be shot down once reaching the floor of the Senate. Why, one might wonder?

Ah, here’s your answer. Idiot-at-large Senate President David Williams worries that if passed, the legislation could be used as “an excuse for the addition of curriculum concerning aberrant behavior.”

For those not fluent in Neoconese, aberrant = homosexual. FYI.

He’s concerned that if passed, the bill might be used to “teach curriculum that people aren’t interested in like homosexual, same-sex marriage sort of things like that.”

Perhaps I should re-read the bill. Maybe I missed something. Chat amongst yourselves.

Hmmm, nope. Nary reference to anything remotely suggesting the inclusion of Aberrancy 101 into the curriculum.

Of course, Williams himself said he hasn’t read the bill yet. How he has then jumped to such wacky conclusions, Lord only knows. There’s really no explaining the misfiring synapses of the Republican mind.

But one must never lose hope. Who knows? Maybe this time the planets will align, hell will freeze over, Republicans will experience a rare moment of lucidity, and all four-eyed, pizza-faced, metal-mouthed fatties down Kentucky way can breathe a collective sigh of relief. It could happen.

anti-bullying law, kentucky anti-bullying, david williams, kentucky senate, gay agenda, homosexual agenda

I was sitting here this evening, illegally downloading some old Lenny Kravitz tunage (Limewire rocks), reminded of why I was such a Kravitz fan back in the day. Good stuff. iPod playlist worthy, no doubt! A new mix for the morning run.

Of course, as I’m sure we’ll all agree, when clipping our Shuffles or Nanos to our Spandexed waistbands before pounding the pavement at the crack of dawn, there’s always that nagging disquiet in the back of our minds: what to do if we perchance encounter some seedy, menacing character whilst logging our daily five?

Well, fear no more, fellow cardio buffs and music fans! Why didn’t someone think of this sooner? Nothing short of genius, really. A new combo mp3-player slash taser gun has hit the market! And it’s fashionable to boot.

With a choice of leopard print, red, pink or silver, you know you’ll always be in style zapping the bejesus out of the guy who may have looked at you the wrong way. With 50,000 volts in hand, you’ll never have to worry … and you won’t miss a beat of your favorite song. Most excellent.

Just see how easy it is to use! Personal protection can indeed be “both fashionable and functionable,” as genius Rick Smith, owner of Taser International, so eloquently stated. Awesome.

Full disclosure: I don’t own an iPod. I don’t run, and walk only when necessary. I’m not even exactly sure what the crack of dawn might be, although I hear it’s something very pretty. I don’t own anything remotely resembling Spandex, nor should anyone else. I think Lenny Kravitz is a god, and yes, I do download music illegally. Sue me. But please don’t iTase me, bro.

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Bill Clinton, at his 1993 inaugural address, said, “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.” I wish that I still believed, but I’m not so sure anymore.

I miss Bill. And I miss my rose-colored glasses. Now I simply see red. All that George Bush and his band of cronies have wrought since setting foot in the Oval Office has led me to believe that perhaps there is very little left that is right with America.

Maybe there really wasn’t that much right to begin with, but I thought things were beginning to look up. As a nation we haven’t had such a stellar track record, of course, despite historical spin doctoring.

Near-extermination and subsequent oppression of the indigenous peoples? Yep, that was us … Manifest Destiny and all.

Atomic bomb attacks on civilian populations? Missions accomplished.

Stealing a page from the opponent’s playbook and interning American citizens to War Relocation Centers (”concentration camps” sounds so Nazi) because of their ethnicity? Caught red-handed.

Then, just when you think we might finally be making some forward progress, enter Bush to take the proverbial three steps back.

I hate Bush’s regressive America. Of course, to the thin-skinned patriots out there, using the words “hate” and “America” in the same sentence is nothing short of treasonous.

Anti-patriotic I am because I oppose an illegal war, a criminal administration, and am disgusted that our civil liberties are being flushed down the toilet.

“America, love it or leave it,” they say. Well, I may not necessarily love it right now, but leave it? Wherever else I might go, I could possibly become subject to current U.S. foreign policy, and I’ll have none of that! No thank you.

Look, I don’t hate America. It’s probably one of the best countries ever stolen. But we’re not necessarily the bee’s knees, either. And until we get back on the right track (kicking Bush’s sorry ass to the curb will be the first lost step regained), I’ll not be proudly waving Old Glory. Thank God the countdown has begun.

To end with another quote: “Let America realize that self-scrutiny is not treason. Self-examination is not disloyalty.” - Richard Cardinal Cushing

patriotism, george w. bush, american history, american presidents, 2008 election

I must say I was rather surprised that Obama got the thumbs up from Iowans last night. Not exactly flabbergasted, mind you, but I really didn’t expect to see him emerge as the Democratic victor in doubtless one of the whitest amongst white states. Maybe a racially prejudiced presumption on my part, I admit. My apologies to all pallid Hawkeye lefties. Sorry.

It wasn’t even close. The guy kind of kicked ass with nearly 38% of the votes.

Albeit with trifling party representation, Obama has for the time being secured the top spot on the Democratic leaderboard after the first round of competition.

Iowa is only the first of many tough rows to hoe, though, and despite the hype and opening ceremony ballyhoo (not to mention the inordinate millions spent on candidatial entrance fees), the Cornfield Follies really matter little when all is said and done.

Consider that Bill Clinton got only 3% of Dem votes for nominee in the 1992 caucus, and it becomes pretty clear that Iowans are not necessarily midwestern Nostradamuses.

I’m happy, though, with Obama’s first-earned bragging rights from last night’s win, whether or not he ultimately prevails. I like him, and since my guy D.K. has all but thrown in the towel, at this point I tend to think that perhaps B.O. is the way to go.

If nothing else, the results in Iowa revealed at least a soupçon of interest in effecting a much-needed course change, from the path that this country has been led down for the past seven years. Bush has certainly proven his lack of directional sense.

Expect some competitive script-tweaking from Hillary and John as the race continues.

Oh yeah, the Republican swarm bestowed upon holier-than-thou Huckster top honor for their team last night, too. Whatever.

barack obama, iowa caucus, hillary clinton, john edwards, mike huckabee, presidential election

You learn something new every day. For instance, today I learned all about papal bulls. For the sake of the ignorant, a papal bull is a decree to all of Christendom by God’s one and only earthly ambassador and ordained talking head, the pope. Who knew?

Admittedly, there will probably be few occasions that this knowledge might come in handy. Papal chat doesn’t tend to crop up often within my social circle, but you never know. If someone does perchance ask about papal bulls, though, I’m all set.

Such edicts, with ostensibly the Most High’s stamp of approval, must not be confused, however, with papal bullshit.

The Holy See may be God’s hired hand, but from time to time one is reminded that when off the clock he’s really just a guy with a pointy hat, one foot in the grave and at least a smidgen of dementia.

Kicking off the new year, Pope Benny today, in his first public address of 2008 to the doting faithful, warned that same-sex marriage is, of all things, a threat to world peace! Thank God I’m not the marrying kind, I’d hate to have to have to bear that burden.

The spiritual leader of the scarily preponderant Catholic population called for support of traditional families defined as, of course, that oh-so-sacred union between a man and a woman, saying that any attempts to undermine said traditional family threatens the very foundations of global peace.

“I wanted to shed light on the direct relationship that exists between the family and peace in the world,” he blathered.

Whatever, crazy old dude. Consider those currently wreaking global havoc hither and thither. Nary a flamer amongst them. And George Bush? Suitably married with duly begotten offspring, yet unquestionably the current greatest threat to whirled peas. Straight as an arrow, I’m assuming. Last time I checked, Laura still had a smile on her face.

So it’s not our fault, we didn’t do it. Quit blaming us for everything. Just let us be, and go back to playing dress-up. As an aside, the hat is fabulous!

And by the way, why is it “papal” and not “popal?”

pope benedict, gay marriage, pope new year’s speech, world peace

It’s the holiday season, and who doesn’t love Christmas? It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year!

I personally never hear sleigh bells ring no matter how closely I’m listenin’, nor do I roast chestnuts on a fire, open or otherwise.

Apparently some do, though, so in those respects I can only celebrate vicariously through others.

But that’s okay. I really don’t need jingling bells, one-horse open sleighs and such. Nope, I know the real reason for the season.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Of course the Lord of lords was not actually born on December 25th. Most likely a late summer or early fall baby, given the concurrent Roman censusing, farmer harvesting, and shepherd nighttime flock-watching. Activities not typically on the December to-do list.

I’d bet that at His age, Jesus probably doesn’t really care so much for birthday parties anyway, regardless of when celebrated. I know I don’t, and I’m still quite a young whippersnapper by comparison.

Commemorating the birth of Christ, however, remains important to us, His earthly disciples. Although a certain One may not particularly care to be reminded that He is not getting any younger, I’m sure He’s still appreciative. We all like to be the center of attention, after all, even if just for a day, whatever the occasion.

And with requisite celebratory gift-giving, thanks to that frankincense and myrrh thing, and since the really good sales don’t start until December, I’m sure He understands the need for the arbitrary date change. I mean, really, what’s a few months in the context of all eternity?

But not everyone has jumped on the manger bandwagon.

It’s hard to believe, I know, but there still exists a disturbingly high number of lost heathen souls in other parts of the world who refuse to appreciate or even acknowledge this holiest of days, set aside to reverently remember and honor the birth of the Savior. They’re all hell-bound, of course, unless they change their ways.

Fortunately, the missionary team of Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hand, hailing from South Park, Colorado, has heeded the call to spread the Good News to the rest of the world each December. Fishers of men, they are. Godspeed, brethren!

On such missions one must not pussyfoot around the Truth, so if you are easily offended by harsh conversion tactics consider yourself warned not to watch the following. Words are spoken that may be offensive to some.

However, sometimes dropping the “F Bomb” is the only way to show the pathway to true salvation. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Whatever it takes.

Hey, at least they haven’t resorted to waterboarding. Merry Christmas!

UPDATE: Speaking of the “F Bomb” I have to drop a big one on Viacom. The video clip I had here has “been removed due to copyright violation.” I’ll probably be receiving notice soon to also erase that DVD recording I made of the same episode. All righty then, you’ll still get the gist with this one. I guess as long as the characters don’t move, it’s all cool. Whatever. The song, though, remains the same …

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I have a warrant out for my arrest. No kidding. The boys in blue actually showed up a few weeks ago to haul my felonious ass to the slammer. They did, however, acknowledged that they probably had better things to do, and let me off the hook with a stern directive to get to the police station post-haste. Payment of $300 bail would secure my continued freedom. (I never went. I hate being told what to do.)

This was due to my blatant disregard of an invitation from the local courthouse to visit with the Honorable Judge Wayne Cagle. I have since learned that this sort of no-show behavior is frowned upon, as attendance at such events is not considered optional.

All of this because my house needs a fresh coat of paint, and now the house judge isn’t very happy.

One of my stalkers (I have two; very popular, I am) sought revenge when I began dallying with another, and apparently thought that ringing up City Hall to file a paint complaint would be the best way to express his displeasure.

The house does need painting, I’ll admit, but I’ve seen worse. I’m hardly a criminal, just lazy. Nevertheless, a default judgement was rendered against me, and I’m now a fugitive from justice.

Seemingly lots of important cases on the courts’ dockets indeed! Judicial time well-spent. Okay, I know I should have shown up for my court appearance, but I was annoyed by the whole thing. Seemed so frivolous, and again, I don’t like being told what to do. Or when and where to do it.

Despite my less-than-objective opinion about my personal situation, true judicial lunacy really lives. Of course we’re all aware of that; we live in America, for goodness’ sake.

But we’re not alone in the world when it comes to WTF? court decisions. Take Italy for example. Case in point:

At least this couple duly showed up when summoned which, as I’ve learned, is a good thing. In hindsight, however, they may wish that they had opted to go on the lam instead.

Mara and Roberto Germano live in Genoa. Mara and Roberto had a baby boy. Mara and Roberto named and baptized the new addition Venerdi. Mara and Roberto were happy.

Unfortunately for the couple, city hall officials in Italy are obligated by law to report any unusual names to the appropriate authorities, and since “Venerdi” is Italian for “Friday,” well, given the oddity of the name, is it any wonder that the matter would end up before the Genoan panel of judges?

The law must be upheld, after all, and egregious names will simply not be tolerated, so the court date was set.

After no doubt much deliberation and legal research, the Venerdi verdict was administered. Judgement against the defendants. The child simply would not be allowed to go through life with a name that evoked the image of a savage, like the character Friday in Robinson Crusoe, “thus creating a sense of inferiority and failing to guarantee the boy the necessary decorum.”

The Germanos appealed, as might have been expected. Who wouldn’t? What they called the little tyke during the interim, I don’t know. Still, they waited.

Then last month the appeals court came to their decision. They stated that Venerdi falls into the category of the “ridiculous or shameful” names that are barred by law, and agreed that it recalled the native servant in Daniel Defoe’s novel.

They even stepped it up a notch. The judges wrote that naming the boy Venerdi would bar him from “serene interpersonal relationships” and would turn him into the “laughing stock of his group,” according to a report in La Repubblica this week.

Not only that, they said that even as a day of the week, savage imagery aside, Friday raises a “sentiment of sadness and penitence, when not being associated with bad luck outright.” Case closed.

Win some, lose some. The law is the law. But now, what to do? The kid was born in September of 2006, and more than a year later, are Mom and Dad really expected to have to dust off that book of baby names yet again?

Not to worry. The judges have that covered as well. It was court-ordered that the boy be named Gregorio, after the saint on whose day he was born. So that takes care of that.

Seems to me that there would be far more important things on both domestic and international dockets relating to matters somewhat more relevant than house paint or baby names.

But that’s just me, and I’m a defendant, so my opinion may be biased. I’d bet, though, that Mara, Roberto and little Gregorio would probably agree with me.

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Philanthropic wordsmiths, take note! This is cool. John Breen, a computer programmer from Indiana who operates the Poverty.com website, has now also developed an online game that teaches vocabulary … and helps to fight world hunger at the same time.

It’s fun, it’s free, and it feeds. Not to mention that you’ll also pick up a few new words along the way with which to impress friends and family.

FreeRice.com is quickly becoming quite popular. Breen said the idea came to him one day in his kitchen while he was sitting with his two teenage sons, preparing for the SAT, when he decided, as he said, “to do something on the computer to help my son learn vocabulary words.”

It’s a simple multiple-choice game. You’re presented with a word and four possible definitions from which to choose. Get it right, and 20 grains of rice are donated to the U.N. World Food Programme. The U.N. then distributes the rice worldwide.

Pfffft, you say. Twenty grains? Well, pfffft yourself. They do add up. And quickly. The game is quite an addictive pastime, and before you know it, you’ll find that you have earned several thousands of grains to help feed some starving kid or family somewhere, and every little bit really does count.

Consider the fact that FreeRice.com is up to more than 8.2 billion grains of rice since Breen launched the site just this past October. That is more than enough to feed 325,000 people, according to the spokesperson for the World Food Programme.

Given my addictive personality, I’ve no doubt fed an entire village already. I can’t stop playing the game. Okay, so I have way too much free time on my hands, but at least I spend it well. Sometimes.

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YIKES! Hail to the potential Chief! A presidential election of firsts this will be, indeed. In addition to the conventional troupe of white guys in suits and ties, we also have the breasted, asbestos-pantsuited Hillary, the black-enough, non-Muslim Barack, and then, of course, the 9/11-superhero, occasional crossdresser Rudy, all on board for our consideration. Mixing it up in 2008!

What disturbs me about Giuliani is not his transvestism nor his drag queen diva alter ego. Go for it, dude. (He should probably rethink some of his fashion decisions, but that’s just my opinion.) No, the thing that disturbs me about him is his Republicanism, of course.

Nevertheless, I’m quite certain that Giuliani’s capability to continue this nation’s downward spiral would not be hindered by either tux or taffeta. I just hope he isn’t given the opportunity to prove me right.

I personally don’t get the whole crossdressing thing, but most straight people don’t get my penchant for boy-boy action, either. So who am I to judge? To each his own, live and let live, pick a platitude …

Still, some things might best be left in the proverbial closet, particularly if you’re Rudy Giuliani. Completely off the chart when it comes to garish and gaudy! Not a pretty picture. Practically nightmare fodder.

There is one thing, though, even more disturbing, and that is watching prick Dump Truck nuzzle the Queen’s boobies. Get a room. Preferably far from Pennsylvania Avenue. It may be time for a change, but let’s not go overboard.

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