Current Events Watch

“Break a leg,” the standard maxim typically said to actors before they go on stage to perform. I don’t know where that came from, and apparently nobody knows for sure, or how it became the phrase of choice for wishing the performer the best of luck. Why not “Drop Dead”?

Whatever the source, it ought not be spoken to the tibially-challenged. FEMA’s Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson comes to mind. Sometimes even with a well-scripted, flawless, perfectly executed performance, the leg does metaphorically break. Ouch. That’ll leave a mark.

FEMA. We know them well, of course, for the heckuva job they did post-Katrina. When the less-than-favorable reviews began to come in, though, it soon became obvious that the cast might need a new director. Bye bye, Brownie. Did anyone really expect someone with no disaster management experience to be able to pull that off? I mean, come on, it was a pretty powerful scene, after all, and probably a bit more than he should have been asked to handle. Improv didn’t work so well, so … lesson learned. No more improvisation. A good script is what will make things okey-dokey for the next big scene.

So … lights, camera, ACTION! Emergency … the fires are raging, California is ablaze! Enter FEMA, hoping for a better performance this time around. And what better way for the government to represent than to put the E team front and center, answering the hard-hitting questions, keeping the media up to date, assuring everyone that things are going much better this time around. Leading role played by Harvey Johnson.

Quite a performance it was, and he certainly managed to stay in character during the staged press conference broadcast live on the major news networks last Tuesday. Even the supporting actors did a fine job in their respective roles as inquisitive journalists.

They were all FEMA employees, by the way. Just another day at the office. “I’m not a journalist, but I play one on TV.” Not a single reporter or journalist was in the house. The questions were scripted, the answers were scripted, the requisite camera flashes were scripted, and even that final, always necessary “last question” line that the podium holder cites to indicate that the press conference is over. Or in this case, I guess, end of scene. Cut!

Legit reporters were allowed to listen in, conference-call style, but were not allowed to ask questions. Well, in fact, that perhaps was for the best. As I said, we learned that improv didn’t work so well for FEMA two years ago, so it was probably a wise decision to simply stick to the script.

Once the backstory was reported (by real reporters, of course), despite a fine “break a leg” performance by Mr. Johnson, the reviews were less than laudatory. Leg broken, but not as intended.

At least FEMA is a versatile acronym. Federal Emergency Management Agency? Maybe. But also adaptable to Fraudulent, Ersatz, Mendacious, Amiss. Gotta love our government agencies.

If you missed the breaking news press conference this past week, here’s the performance. Despite the thumbs-down reviews, it was actually quite convincing, in a Milli Vanilli sort of way.

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Take-Charge George W. Bush stepped up to the plate today out West in inferno-plagued California, requisite entourage in tow, pledging all manner of Federal resources, assurances of fellow-Americans’ prayers and support, a brighter future, promising that those in Washington would not forget the plight of the victims … and some other stuff that also seemed to go over well when he made a quick stop in the French Quarter a couple of years ago, post-Katrina. Way-post. Encouraging, reassuring, placative rhetoric, sympathetically delivered from a makeshift podium to pacify the disadvantaged. Follow through in the Big Easy hasn’t seemed to go quite according to the proposed plan, though, hence my cynicism. Promises, promises. Hey, at least there were some most excellent West Coast photo ops today, that’ll come in handy for posterity.

But, to his credit, it didn’t take him seventeen days before making an appearance this time, I’ll give him that. And at least he was able to stay awake while demonstrating his rote speech-delivering skills. Meanwhile, and not for the first time, Sharpshooter VP Dick Cheney succumbed to the siesta. Dozed off mid-speech. Must not have had enough Z-time onboard AF1, en route to the Golden State. Of course, when you’ve no doubt already heard the Boss’s speech ad nauseum, why not take a power nap? I would think, though, that given his medical history, those nearby might consider checking for a pulse when the guy at the table practically falls prostrate. He does run on batteries, after all, and batteries do go dead. Or maybe his table-mates, as I would have done, pretended simply not to notice. No, no … that was a bad thing to say. I would take it back, but my “delete” key doesn’t seem to be working at the moment.

His spokesperson said he was simply meditating. Still, whether napping or entering some sort of metaphysical meditative state while your boss is babbling, probably not such a good idea. I’m afraid either way, that he might either be dreaming about or meditating on which nation to invade next (although that’s pretty much a given, I guess) … but I may be over-reacting. He was probably just contemplating this weekend’s hunting trip to Poughkeepsie, NY. Poughkeepsians, beware!

And to those back in Cali, still aflame, don’t get your hopes up. At least not for anything promised by your VIP tourists today, those folks can’t be trusted. But you can bet, no doubt, that there will be plenty of support and resources from the other of your fellow-American citizens. We usually come through in a crunch. Unlike your visiting leaders who know how to talk the talk, but far too often fall asleep at the wheel.

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