Current Events Watch

Halloween annoys me, thank God that’s over. A herd of fat-assed rugrats in plus-size costumes begging door to door for the last thing in the world with which they should be gorging their pieholes.

These days they don’t even limit the panhandling to their own neighborhoods, no! There are apparently simply not enough calories on a single block, so they squeeze into the minivan and Mom, Dad or court-appointed guardian sets off on a road trip throughout the entire region, targeting streets that appear to be particularly popular with the masses. Curbside drop-off, kid waddles incognito to the door, gathers requisite treat and then back into the van, for the twenty-foot drive to the curb next door.

Like I said, I hate Halloween, so I’m a card-carrying non-participant with a lifetime membership. All right, I’ll admit, there are some cute kids, they’re not all fat, and not all heads of households don their chauffeur cap when the local reserve has been depleted. I exaggerate from time to time. To those, enjoy the holiday with my blessing, just please don’t bother coming to my house. And, okay, my apologies to the fat kids and the respective freewheeling guardians thereof. No offense intended.

Actually, fat kids can be funny sometimes. Maybe I’ve underestimated the comedic value of the holiday. Plump them up in the Fall for some summertime fun next year!

Still, I’m glad it’s a new day, because now that we can put last night behind us, we can look forward and begin celebrating the start of the Yuletide Season!!! Christmas is coming, and fortunately my petition drive was successful! Our local Star 102 radio station has succumbed to public pressure, and has agreed to play continuous holiday carols beginning now through Christmas Day! HO, HO, HO!

I’ll admit, it was a compromise, but I still consider it a success. My original draft proposed kicking the holiday season off on July 5th, although I confess I did find it rather difficult to find enough signatories. But hey, even conceding those nearly four months of extended holiday spirit, a small success is nonetheless an accomplishment. Of course, my ultimate goal is to celebrate Christmas year-round, 24/7/365. Makes sense to me, but I’ll remain patient until my fellow citizens come around to my way of thinking.

Obviously I am being sarcastic. Do we really need to give Santa the heads-up as early as October? I don’t think so. Until this year, Star 102, for example, began playing holiday music after Thanksgiving, through Christmas. Fine. That’s really when I consider the season to begin, and I’ll admit it is a station of choice throughout the month of December. (The rest of the year they play stuff like Michael Bolton, so I’m not what you would call a regular listener.) It is nice, though, for the month, to tune in and hear some holiday favorites. Even at that, I’ve got to say, four weeks is rather a stretch … a holiday playlist is somewhat limited, after all. Two full months, though?

No, I don’t have to listen, but it is indicative of just how absurd it is that Christmas seems to come earlier and earlier every year. I was already subjected today to overhead holiday Muzak, plastic trees, flashing lights, and over-priced Christmas chachkis at my corner drugstore. The worker-bees were making ready the holiday aisle for sale, a sea of red and green, while just two aisles down their fellow associates were stocking clearance racks with All Hallows’ Eve’s leftovers, a sea of black and orange.

I already hate Halloween, but I think if this trend towards premature Yuletide seasonal celebration continues, I could learn to hate Christmas, too. Commercialization of the holidays is irritating. I’ll hang in there with Christmas for now, though, until I have to deal with vagrant fat kids knocking on my door begging for stocking stuffers.

halloween, holidays, christmas, all hallows’ eve, trick or treat, commercialization